Eurosport

The stock price of General Motors fell 31% yesterday, all the way back to its level in 1950. We used to say that what was good for GM was good for America. I have always felt the truth emanating from that statement, even now.

My dad used to love to talk about the Rambler with exactly the same fondness that I have for the 1984-1990 Chevrolet Celebrity Eurosport. The reason is precisely the same as that feeling many people have for the original, rear-engined VW Beetle. Of course Volkswagen has always been a very smart company, so now we have to say rear-engined. VW had the good sense to build an all-new Beetle, but a Chevy Volt is no Eurosport. The Volt is more like a an ugly, slow Corvette: of course it's a wonderful idea, and of course GM should build it, but it is no people's car. The Volt will be just another high-priced Yuppie status symbol, and quite sadly, I expect it to be too little too late. My dad loved the Rambler so much because it was such an honest effort to build a car that mass numbers of post-WWII Americans could afford. I loved the Eurosport so much because it was the most perfect embodiment of the car GM needed to build for post-1973-oil-crunch Americans.

I could rattle on for hours about the official history of the Eurosport and exactly why I think it should have been crowned The Official American People's Car, but I shall try to be brief in my enthusiasm. Just remember that these are only the highpoints of a very detailed story.

That cute little squirt you see scooting around on America's roads today named a Mini is built by BMW, but it originally was a totally different car. Like the Beetle, there are actually two Minis, and the first, British iteration was the car that showed the world how space, cost, and fuel-efficient a front-wheel-drive design could be. Hard-headed GM ignored ths innovation until we all learned how to spell Arab in 1973. Then, like now, panic set in and GM finally got busy developing more efficient cars. Their first major line of FWD's was the Chevrolet Citation with a boring styling job and a less than stellar reliability reputation. The sporty variant of the Citation was the X-11, and you have to have been lucky to have even seen one. The Celebrity of 1982 was the second generation of the Citation and the 1984 Eurosport was the second attempt at a sportier model. The Eurosport was the beneficiary of one of the cleanest, most efficient styling designs that GM has ever produced, and the reliability was in Beetle territory.

The key to my undying love for the Eurosport was its total dedication to The KISS Principle. Was the Eurosport fast? No. Was it fun to drive? No. Did it offer status or exclusivity? No. Was it especially comfortable or luxurious? No. Was it a gas mileage champ? No. Then what the hell was it that so endears it to me? You got in it and you drove it to wherever you needed to go. You could easily see the four corners of it from the driver's seat. It was quite impervious to sidewinds. Its stereo sounded decent because the interior acoustics and its design were nearly perfect. It had the most powerful long-distance tuner I have ever encountered because the antenna was attached to a very flat surface. The feel of the steering was light, yet it let you know exactly what the tires were doing. The weight balance of the design was so nearly perfect that tires and suspension struts lasted especially well. It was the easiest car to see out of and navigate in a downpour that I have ever driven. The air conditioning worked flawlessly. The trunk space was huge and flat. The gas mileage was more than acceptable at about 25 mpg for the car's size and capacities. I could go on and on with Kiss Principle this and Kiss Principle that. The point is that the Eurosport was a supremely practical and affordable car for American lifestyles, traffic and road conditions.

Just as GM has always done, Chevy had to replace the Eurosport with the Lumina 3.1, a car that was uglier, roomier, heavier, more luxurious, and of course, much more expensive. I owned one of those, too. It was a very good car, but my fondness for it will never compare to the way I deeply miss the three Eurosports that I owned. I named my last one Elmer Fudd because my wife always referred to it as our fuddy-duddy car. I hated to see Elmer go, but after 161,000 miles, it was time to move on. I had worn out three Eurosports. That's not exactly the truth: the first two were traded in before they reached 100,000 miles, but that was when I could get another Eurosport. When the new buyer drove Elmer out of our driveway, even the Euro 3.1 was no longer available at a Chevy dealer near you. GM had moved up-market, as they so much love to do. Make them more expensive, if you never do anything else. Boy, do we love that word upmarket!

As we all know, GM has upmarketed itself right back to its 1950 stock price. Oh, boo-hoo, how are we ever going to survive without a government bailout? The $40,000 Volt will save our bacon in 2010. Yeah, that's the ticket, as John Lovitz would say in an SNL skit. Just how may of these Volts are you planning on selling? Can you spell hybrid without attaching a behemoth SUV to it? Remember the '60's, when VW whipped your butt? How about the '70's, when Toyota swung that paddle again? Honda even warned you first by taking over the motorcyle market in the '60's, but you just stood there, bent over, holding your knees in the '80's, too, didn't you? Do you never learn?

There is one way to save GM, and they ain't doin' it. Develop a whole line of hybrids of differing body types that ride on one chassis, powered by a single drivetrain. Make that drivetrain as reliable and cost-effective as possible by producing zillions of them. Make spare parts available everywhere. Constantly improve the design. You know, like VW did with the Beetle in the '60's. Steal VW's ad campaign ideas: they were some of the best of the entire Twentieth Century! Make Americans proud to drive American. Don't give me that crap that you can't do it. Remember the Rambler? Remember the Eurosport? Remember the K-car and the minivan? Even Ford beat your butt with the Taurus. As a matter of fact, that jellybean was the Eurosport's best nemesis. Develop the Volt. Go ahead. It's an excellent idea, but it is not going to save your greedy, worthless butt right now! If you had taken the Prius seriously long before now, you wouldn't be in this mess. Better late than never....