Thirty-one Classic Scary Nights in October

I wrote this article for Blogger News Network back on 9/29/08. I still think this list is a lot of fun!

Monster movies have fascinated me for over fifty years. As with anything else, there are, of course, good ones and bad ones, and in this genre, many produced in very poor taste. Some aficionados of the genre prefer those films that are heavy on the scare and light on the gore, and my tastes certainly fall within that category. As every October rolls around, I eagerly look forward to seeing the spate of horror flicks traipsed out by the cable channels, hoping this year that they will have discovered good taste. The sixty-two films listed here represent the best overview of the more tasteful classics for you to view over the course of the thirty-one nights of October.

This is an eclectic collection that ignores a few genres such as bloody slash-o-ramas and repeated sequels, but includes many B-movies that have received acclaim for their creators’ imaginations. A few notable writers, directors, and actors, especially those from famous television series, have been listed. The list is in release date order: if an exact date is included, it is to differentiate this order. Two run times are listed wherever two versions of the film have been released. All official information listed should be credited to Amazon and its sister site, the Internet Movie Database (imdb.com). NA means the film is not available directly from Amazon as of September 2008. You may very well locate the film for rent or elsewhere. Certainly many of them are occasionally shown on television. Find a partner to squeeze during the scary parts and let the fun begin!

October 1:
Dracula (February 1931 / 75 minutes / $22 Special Edition) – Bela Lugosi discovers his calling.
King Kong (April 1933 / 100 & 104 minutes / $10) – Giant monkey love sells well during The Great Depression.
The Wolf Man (December 1941 / 70 minutes / $18) – Lon Chaney, Jr., Ralph Bellamy, Claude Rains, & Bela Lugosi – The old gypsy tells her tale and America is never the same again.

October 2:
Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man (March 1943 / 74 minutes / $13) – This began the monster-meets-monster genre that we have become so familiar with today. The most unusual thing about this film is that Bela Lugosi is playing Frankenstein’s monster instead of Dracula.
Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (June 1948 / 83 minutes / $15) – Bela Lugosi & Lon Chaney, Jr. – This feature opened the door to a string of A/C scream fests. This one has the honor of including Frankie, Dracula, and The Wolf Man.
Abbott and Costello Meet Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (August 1953 / 76 minutes / NA) – Boris Karloff & Craig Stevens of Peter Gunn – This is one of those kid movies that I just cannot seem to get enough of: Costello steals the show, of course.

October 3:
Godzilla (April 1956 / 80 minutes / $15) – The original Japanese version was released in 1954. Scenes shot in L.A. with Raymond Burr of Perry Mason were added to the version released in the U.S. in 1956.
The Werewolf (July 1956 / 79 minutes / $20 w/three other films) – This is the matinee that first showed me what a monster movie was. It’s not that great a movie, but it has stuck with me for a long time.
I Was a Teenage Werewolf (June 1957 / 76 minutes / NA) – Michael Landon of Bonanza & Little House on the Prairie – Landon’s beard was a lot messier and his teeth were awful in this teenage scream fest. I found it to be considerably scarier than The Werewolf.

October 4:
Queen of Outer Space (September 7, 1958 / 80 minutes / $13) – Zsa Zsa Gabor – The DVD is available at Amazon with surprisingly outstanding reviews. She was the queen, all right, and she was hardly old enough to slap a cop in this campy sci-fi romp.
The Blob (September 12, 1958 / 82 minutes / $30) – Steve McQueen – What? There are no motorcycles in this picture? No cars, either? Did the Jolly Green Giant knock over his ketchup bottle?

October 5:
The Killer Shrews (1959 / 69 minutes) – These shrews are a lot bigger than mice.
The Giant Gila Monster (1959 / 74 minutes) – The title says it all. These two were originally released together as a B&W, double-feature matinee in 1959 (no month of release is available). Both are now available at Amazon as a $13 package of both movies in both B&W and colorized versions on two DVD’s.

October 6:
House on Haunted Hill (February 1959 / 75 minutes / $11) – Directed by William Castle – Vincent Price – William Castle knew how to make teens jump out of their seats with carefully crafted plots and simple B&W sets.
The Tingler (July 1959 / 82 minutes / $9) – Directed by William Castle - Vincent Price & Darryl Hickman of The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis – What made this movie special was the unusually original nature of the monster and a few of its special plot details.

October 7:
Psycho (June 1960 / 109 minutes / $20 Special Edition) – Directed by Alfred Hitchcock – Anthony Perkins, Vera Miles & Janet Leigh – Jamie Lee’s mom learns the danger of a shower.
Homicidal (June 1961 / 87 minutes / NA) – Directed by William Castle - Glenn Corbett from Route 66 – William Castle may have taken a rear seat in the theatre behind Hitchcock, but he certainly knew how to entertain us!

October 8:
Black Sunday (February 1961 / 83 minutes / $8) – Barbara Steele of the 1991 Dark Shadows series – The restored version of this Italian classic is currently available with 78 outstanding reviews for the new DVD release at Amazon. I knew from the very first scene that this is what vampires and witches were all about. If you choose to watch only one pre-Dracula ’79 vampire movie, this should be it.
Pit and the Pendulum (August 1961 / 80 minutes / $10) – Directed by Roger Corman – Screenplay by Richard Matheson – Vincent Price & Barbara Steele – This one was selected from the slate of movies produced by the same crew because it features Barbara Steele and the plot is one of the more memorable of this group.

October 9:
The Raven (January 1963 / 86 minutes / NA) – Directed by Roger Corman – Screenplay by Richard Matheson – Vincent Price, Peter Lorre, Boris Karloff & Jack Nicholson – This is one of the more unusual storylines shown by this crew in The Sixties.
The Birds (March 1963 / 119 minutes / $15) – Directed by Alfred Hitchcock – Tippi Hedren (Melanie Griffith’s mom), Rod Taylor, Jessica Tandy, & Suzanne Pleshette of The Bob Newhart Show – This seemed at the time to be the first attempt at the release of a truly A-rated (as opposed to B-movie) monster or horror film. Shot in color with big-name stars, this film introduced an idea that would later be extrapolated upon by Stephen King: create the monster from some benign entity in our everyday lives.

October 10:
The Tomb of Ligeia (January 1965 / 81 minutes / $13) – Directed by Roger Corman - Vincent Price – This is the film in this Sixties series that is most often overlooked, but I have always felt it was the queen of the crop. It’s not so much monstrous and scary as it is unusually engrossing and carefully detailed. Like the last three movies on this list, Ligeia is as much a love story as it is a fright fest.
The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (January 1968 / TV / 120 minutes / $13) – Jack Palance – This is the best version of the classic Stevenson tale you will see on any size screen.

October 11:
Rosemary’s Baby (June 1968 / 136 minutes / $7) – Written by Ira Levin – Screenplay by Roman Polanski – Mia Farrow – This film carried the A-grade horror movie to the next level, and made Mia Farrow a star and Roman Polanski a celebrity.
The Night Stalker (January 1972 / TV / 74 minutes / $10) – Written by Richard Matheson – Darren McGavin of Riverboat, Claude Akins of Murder, She Wrote, & Larry Linville of M*A*S*H – Has there ever been a better attempt made by a television movie to rival theatrical releases in the traditional monster movie genre? This movie pilot of the television series was actually scary!

October 12:
The Girl Most Likely to… (November 6, 1973 / TV / 73 minutes / $10) – Written by Joan Rivers - Stockard Channing from The West Wing & Ed Asner from The Mary Tyler Moore Show & Lou Grant – This is such an unusual and little-known movie that I had to include it here. A homely young woman is mistreated horribly in a social context by a number of men she dates. After plastic surgery improves (and changes) her appearance, she hunts them down and kills them, each in a deliciously appropriate manner.
Frankenstein: The True Story (November 30, 1973 / TV / 182 minutes / $15) – James Mason, Michael Sarrazin, David McCallum of The Man from U.N.C.L.E., Jane Seymour of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman & Agnes Moorehead of Bewitched – This is the best, most realistic expression of the monster classic.

October 13:
The Exorcist (December 1973 / 122 & 132 minutes / $12) – Written by William Peter Blatty – Directed by William Friedkin - Linda Blair & Ellen Burstyn – We all know this movie redefined the word blockbuster. Who would ever have thought that people would stand in line to buy advanced tickets to see green vomit in a matinee?
Scream of the Wolf (January 1974 / TV / 78 minutes / NA) – Screenplay by Richard Matheson – Peter Graves of Fury and Mission Impossible & Clint Walker of Cheyenne – The appeal of this movie is mostly to see a pair of legendary primetime heroes of The Sixties act in a monster movie in which one of them is probably the villain.

October 14:
Dracula (February 1974 / TV / 100 minutes / $13) – Jack Palance – screenplay by Richard Matheson – Jack Palance brings another classic performance to television.
The Stepford Wives (February 1975 / TV / 115 minutes / $13) – Written by Ira Levin (author of Rosemary’s Baby, The Boys from Brazil, & No Time for Sergeants) – Katherine Ross, Paula Prentiss of He & She & Tina Louise of Gilligan’s Island – Don’t let that silly, trashy, theatrical remake of this television classic spoil your appetite for robotic women.

October 15:
Jaws (June 1975 / 124 minutes / $10) – Directed by Steven Spielberg – Roy Scheider, Richard Dreyfuss & Robert Shaw – I went swimming in the ocean off the Florida coast the day after watching Jaws in its first run, so what else is new? It never ages.

October 16:
The Omen (June 1976 / 111 minutes / $15) – Gregory Peck & Lee Remick – The 2006 remake sucks, but this original was one of the better early attempts at making a horror movie for adults.
Carrie (November 1976 / 98 minutes / $11) – Written by Stephen King – Directed by Brian De Palma – Sissy Spacek, Nancy Allen, Amy Irving & John Travolta – The word is that Tabitha fished the manuscript out of the trash where Stephen had thrown it, and the rest is celebrity millionaire history.

October 17:
King Kong (December 1976 / 134 minutes / $10) – Jeff Bridges plays the stowaway scientist hero, Jessica Lange gets a new boyfriend with big muscles, Charles Grodin calls for the mosquito spray, and Rene Aberjonois is the same pompous jackass as he is on Benson & Boston Legal.
The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane (August 1977 / 91 minutes / $10) – Jodie Foster & Martin Sheen of The West Wing – Teenaged Jodie plays a youngster who is acting as an adult after she has murdered her parents and buried them in the basement.

October 18:
The Dark Secret of Harvest Home (January 1978 / TV / 300 minutes / NA) – Written by Thomas Tryon – Bette Davis, Rosanna Arquette, Rene Auberjonois, Donald Pleasence, & Tracey Gold of Growing Pains – This is simply the best currently unavailable movie on this list. Watch it if you can find it anywhere because it’s one of the best movies ever made for television. For some reason, the movie version of Thomas Tryon’s first book, The Other, is more commonly available, but in my opinion, Harvest Home is by far the better book and movie.

October 19:
Halloween (October 25, 1978 / 91 & 101 minutes / $11) – Jamie Lee Curtis & Donald Pleasence – If only all slasher movies were as good as this one. Like mother, like daughter!
Alien (May 1979 / 117 minutes / $15) – Directed by Ridley Scott – Sigourney Weaver & Tom Skerritt – Like the legendary episode in which the M*A*S*H producers write off Colonel Blake, the actors in the ship’s crew were not aware exactly how the baby alien was going to make his appearance. This movie shot monster movies into the next dimension!

October 20:
Dracula (July 1979 / 109 minutes / $10) – Frank Langella & Laurence Olivier – This one was a very successful play first, and the quality of the production, dialog, and soundtrack shine throughout.
The Shining (May 1980 / 146 minutes / $10) – Written by Stephen King – Directed by Stanley Kubrick – Jack Nicholson, Shelley Duvall & Scatman Crothers – Everybody in it should have received an Oscar.

October 21:
Altered States (December 1980 / 102 minutes / $8) – Written by Paddy Chayefsky – Directed by Ken Russell – William Hurt, Blair Brown of The Days and Nights of Molly Dodd, Bob Balaban, Charles Haid of Hill Street Blues & Drew Barrymore – This is an outstanding psychedelic psychodrama, and I think it is Ken Russell’s most accessible work. Surprisingly, the monster movie element of Altered States is my least favorite thing about it. Drugs and silence in the tank, yes, monkeys climbing out, no, is my vote.
The Howling (April 1981 / 91 minutes / $11) – Screenplay by John Sayles – Directed by Joe Dante – Dee Wallace, Christopher Stone, Slim Pickens, John Carradine, & Patrick Macnee of The Avengers – Don’t bother reading any of The Howling series of books because they all suck, as do all the movie sequels, but if you can see only one werewolf movie, this must be the one! The editing is tight, the soundtrack is excellent, the acting is clever, and of course, Rob Bottin raised the bar for all future monster movies. One little bit of trivia: the story goes that Spielberg liked Dee Wallace in The Howling so much that he launched her career as a movie soccer mom by casting her in E.T.

October 22:
Wolfen (July 1981 / 115 minutes / $10) – Written by Whitley Strieber – Albert Finney & Gregory Hines – The book is one of the best of its genre. The movie version fails to include certain details that make the book so fascinating, but it’s still a winner.
An American Werewolf in London (August 1981 / 97 minutes / $7) – Written & Directed by John Landis – I have never liked this werewolf production as much as some do, but it is no doubt one of the best of its genre. I like the beginning and ending much better than the middle. If you like watching the dead friend deteriorate, then you might even enjoy the middle.

October 23:
Poltergeist (June 4, 1982 / 114 minutes / $10) – Written by Steven Spielberg – Directed by Tobe Hooper – Craig T. Nelson of Coach, JoBeth Williams & Beatrice Straight – With big names and top production everywhere, this is the best movie about a haunting of anything.
The Thing (June 25, 1982 / 109 minutes / $10) – Directed by John Carpenter – Kurt Russell, Wilford Brimley of Our House & Richard Masur of One Day at a Time – This movie made the list mostly because I like it better than John Carpenter’s other works. Horror fans seem to be divided concerning the quality and value of this remake.

October 24:
The Hunger (April 1983 / 97 minutes / $15) – Written by Whitley Strieber - Directed by Tony Scott - Catherine Deneuve, David Bowie & Susan Sarandon – Strieber’s follow-up to Wolfen is weaker in both book and movie versions, but the star power is interesting. If only the rest of the movie held up to the level of the stunning opening, the opinions would probably be very different. The excitement of the tightly edited visuals and spunky Bauhaus tune deteriorates into a slow and loosely edited film.
Cujo (August 1983 / 91 minutes / $10) – Written by Stephen King – Dee Wallace & Christopher Stone – I had to pick one of the many Stephen King scripts about an otherwise commonplace and benign entity becoming a monster. Cujo happens to be my favorite of the bunch, although some of you may find a clown or an old Plymouth more frightening.

October 25:
Body Double (October 1984 / 114 minutes / $11) – Directed by Brian De Palma – Craig Wasson & Melanie Griffith – I think this is one of the great unheralded thrillers of our time, and certainly DePalma’s best effort after Carrie.
A Nightmare on Elm Street (November 1984 / 91 minutes / $13) – Directed by Wes Craven – Robert Englund, John Saxon of Falcon Crest, & Johnny Depp – This is Wes Craven at his best, far more original than the many teenage stabbings of the Friday the 13th series. This one brought nightmares to life and made Robert Englund something of a household name.

October 26:
Fright Night (August 1985 / 106 minutes / $9) – Chris Sarandon & Roddy McDowall – This may be just another vampire story plotline, but it is the best of its very specific genre.
Silver Bullet (October 1985 / 95 minutes / $8) – Written by Stephen King – Gary Busey, Corey Haim, & Everett McGill of Twin Peaks – Based on a story I have read, but few others have, entitled Cycle of the Werewolf, this is a case in which the movie is better than the book. The magic is derived from the story being told from the viewpoint of two kids, and of course, Busey is perfectly cast as the wild and crazy uncle the kids love.

October 27:
Aliens (July 1986 / 137 & 154 minutes / $18) – Directed by James Cameron – Sigourney Weaver, Paul Reiser of Mad About You & Bill Paxton of Big Love – Most of us already know that the full level of scares, gunfire, and suspense crammed into this quite exceptional sequel is enough for anyone in one night!

October 28:
Manhunter (August 1986 / 119 & 124 minutes / $13) – Written by Thomas Harris – Directed by Michael Mann – William Petersen of CSI & Dennis Farina of Law & Order – This little-known work should have launched William Petersen, Michael Mann, and Thomas Harris into household name status, but we all know it took the sinister mask of Anthony Hopkins to bring Manhunter to the attention of most of the public. I know you’ve seen The Red Dragon remake, but you need to see this one, too. It’s somewhat different, and probably better, easily one of the best movies on this list.
Werewolf (July 1987 / TV /90 minutes / NA) – John J. York, Lance LeGault, & Chuck Connors of The Rifleman – This is the pilot movie of what I view as Fox Network’s first attempt at a high-quality, imaginative series. Of course it was totally eclipsed by The X-Files, but that’s another story. Watch this one if you haven’t already and can find it. It’s a nice concept: the werewolf is the hero, and I positively love the music. It’s like every time the werewolf appears on screen, MTV took over the production studio.

October 29:
Near Dark (October 1987 / 94 minutes / $10) – Bill Paxton, Lance Henriksen & Jenette Goldstein – Some of the bug hunt crew from Aliens go after vampires in West Texas. The Tangerine Dream soundtrack is especially good.
The Serpent and The Rainbow (February 1988 / 98 minutes / $12) – Directed by Wes Craven – Bill Pullman – I felt I had to include at least one zombie film or I would receive a deluge of complaints from the undead. I am obviously not a zombie fan, but this one particularly gives me the cooties, and I mean that in a good way.

October 30:
The Silence of the Lambs (February 1991 / 118 minutes / $15) – Written by Thomas Harris – Directed by Jonathan Demme - Anthony Hopkins & Jodie Foster – How could I not include the movie that made an already established, serious, English actor a household name? Although this is the favorite of most fans of the series, I clearly like Manhunter better. I guess I am somewhat more fascinated by The Tooth Fairy and his blind girlfriend than I am by a cannibal.
Dracula (November 1992 / 128 minutes / $11) – Directed by Francis Ford Coppola - Gary Oldman, Anthony Hopkins, Keanu Reeves & Winona Ryder – I have to admit that this is my favorite movie of the whole list. Although I have never been a fan of Italian opera, this thing thunders through my screen like a snarling pack of wolves chasing a tragic couple who are deeply in love. Did I mention Gary Oldman’s hairdo and Winona’s boobs? If you’re looking for great acting, watch The Shining. If you want to grip the arms of your chair, watch Aliens. If you want to be blown away by a soundtrack, awed by elaborate sets, and wallow in the depth of a supernatural love affair, this is your movie.

October 31:
Wolf (June 1994 / 125 minutes / $9) – Directed by Mike Nichols - Jack Nicholson, James Spader & Michelle Pfeiffer – This is a werewolf movie for adults in general and for people who normally don’t like monster movies in particular.
Interview with the Vampire (November 1994 / 123 minutes / $14) – Written by Anne Rice – Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Christian Slater & Kirsten Dunst – I have to admit that I am a huge Anne Rice fan. I have even read some of her lengthy tomes twice. This surprisingly is one of my less favorite of her Vampire Chronicles, but it is the only one made into a movie from a screenplay she wrote, and that makes all the difference in the world. This is a high-quality production from any standpoint, and all vampire fans should most certainly see it.

Happy Halloween!

NPR Interview with Michael Gross

At 10 a.m. Eastern this morning Tom Ashbrook interviewed Michael Joseph Gross on his On Point radio show from Boston. The entire show can be heard at the first link in this post. I want to send out a special thank you to PB reader Cambridge Knitter for posting the link in a comment on the Kicking Butts & Taking Names post. The interview is well worth hearing!

If you have been following the whole Vanity Fair series of articles involved, I am sure you are already aware of most of the content of this interview. However, there are two particular new elements of the story that I noted in the live interview that deserve mention.

The first is when Mr. Gross is asked by the Mr. Ashbrook to describe exactly what the author meant by his phrase a sad and smoldering strangeness lies beneath. First of all, Michael choked on this question to the point that the sudden infusion of the bane of radio, dead air, caused the host to try to fill the void, and then after asking Mr. Gross to continue, Ashbrook finally cut to a commercial. After the commercial break, Tom Asked Michael a different question, but Michael asked to return to the original question. Before I mention his answer, I want to say that visions of Babygate and the sadness that Gryphen has mentioned surrounding that mystery flashed in front of my eyes! Michael's answer was methodically spoken, as if it was very carefully considered. His reply concerned the pall that seems to surround Wasilla and its sad, confused residents. He said that he had spent nearly three weeks in the town talking with residents, and most of their comments were along the lines of feeling betrayed when Sarah abandoned them for fame and fortune in the Lower 48. As you might surmise, I am sure that a lot of Wasilla residents gave Mr. Gross this precise impression, but I am not totally convinced that his reply to the host's question was the entire truth of the matter. Michael obviously chose to think the question and his answer through thoroughly before blurting out something that he might live to regret. My guess is that the truth of Babygate is hidden somewhere in the mind of Mr. Gross as he pondered his reply. I thought much the same thing the first time I read that key phrase in his Vanity Fair article, although to be fair, I also considered the paranoid citizens of Wasilla, just as he stated.

The second nice surprise was much more interesting: a lady called in to ask about Babygate, and they almost discussed it! Before you get too excited, remember that this is the top rung of my Babygate soapbox. Liberal NPR radio host Tom Ashbrook squashed this opportunity to discuss the truth just as efficiently as he could muster on a moment's notice. He mumbled some reference back to the rumors that had been so quickly disqualified back at the beginning of Palin's national career, and then immediately proceeded to make damn sure that the audience understood that this was not a serious matter to be discussed. See! This is exactly what I have been ranting about! This is how they do it, over and over again. This is why this horrible monster is taking over our country. The blankety-blank media, even the so-called liberal media, are helping her do it!

Laugh at Me

One of the tunes by Mott the Hoople that caught my ear the first time I heard the band's first album in 1970 was "Laugh at Me", written by Sonny Bono and sung by Ian Hunter in a distinctly Dylanesque style. As you can see from this picture of me from 1965, I was a huge Dylan fan from his classic years. After staring at the cover photo on Highway 61 Revisited and other notable Dylan poses, I had my sister tease my hair, donned my paisley shirt and shades, and had her take my picture in front of a rusty little red wagon in our back yard. This shot from 1965 was originally taken as a slide with a Kodak Instamatic, so the quality may not be the best, but the point is that I have a sense of humor, about both myself and my heroes.

Although I have been writing since the '60's, due to my four blogs, I currently have more readers than I have ever had in my life. The point of this post is to show some of the readers of my more serious material that I do have a soft spot for humor blended with nostalgia. This quality permeates most of my books and commentary, but my fourth book, Timeline of America: Sound Bytes from the Consumer Culture, wallows in it. Timeline is a little book of facts, entertaining anecdotes, irreverent humor, and a big trivia quiz in the back. You would think it is a reference book, the kind you never actually read from cover to cover. For many readers, this may be true, but I personally found its relentless humorous facts pounded into my nostalgic desires to be entertaining reading as a conventional book. Of course it is the kind of reference that is always fun to read piecemeal, but I would expect at least a few readers to enjoy it cover to cover, too. Just don't try to read too much of it at one time or your brain will turn to mush. I have always thought Robin Williams is the most talented stand-up comic of our generation. It is his relentless, rapid-fire comedy that is so chocked full of jokes in such a small space of time that impresses me. I tried to emulate this type of comedy within a nostalgic, factual context in Timeline.

For you readers coming here from Palin Babygate, I think most of you would enjoy Timeline of America if you like the more humorous posts on that blog. I have mentioned The Last Horizon: Feminine Sexuality & The Class System many times at Palin Babygate. I hope to explain the relationship for you more thoroughly now. When the subject matter of Horizon began to materialize in my mind back in the late '60's, my biggest fear was that The Class System, as I called it, would eventually devour all of American culture. The book, as it was finally revised and released in 2002, begins with a detailed explanation of The Class System and its origins in Darwinian theory and the herd instinct. Horizon starts out as a book impersonating a much more academic tome before it loosens up into a more entertaining book than you might expect from the first two chapters. Horizon is basically about the DNA of the herd instinct that drives Americans to make many poor choices in life, from their sexual partners and mates to their elected officials. First we elected an actor President, then a pseudo-cowboy party guy, and now a mean girl moron puppet threatens to darken the doors of The White House.

Much of the material on NIAFS (this blog) and Palin Babygate was intended from its origin to become part of a sequel to both Horizon and Timeline, entitled 2012: Timeline for a Psychotic Nation. If the plan progresses as originally conceived, this book will be released sometime next year and cover the period between the Midterm Elections of 2006 and at whatever point prior to the Presidential Primaries of 2012 that I choose to end it, depending on whatever happens economically and politically between now and then. The first Timeline covers all the fun things about American history, only briefly mentioning wars, social strife, racism, and economic issues. The sequel was originally planned for 2010, but recent events have pushed the release back a couple of years. How seriously depressing will the 2012 sequel be? That is the question that I have difficulty answering, even as I have pondered it for several years. America has had very little to laugh about over the past decade. This is why Horizon and Timeline of America have been so light. Depressing my readers is not my goal. Before I dive into the depths of what America has recently become, give Horizon and/or Timeline a read and try not to laugh. This is what Nonfiction in a Fictional Style is all about. You might be pleasantly surprised!

Hidden Body

Let's cut to the chase. There is precisely one, and only one, reason why any of us gives a rat's ass about Levi Johnston or any of his Palinbrat pals: he knows where the bodies are buried. Whether there is only one Trig or one separate Tripp or several of each, Levi knows enough to stop the madness, even if he is honestly ignorant about some of the details. His recantation this morning was about as surprising as a snowfall in Alaska, just as the news breaks of his girlfriend's new gig as an exciting new prime time celebrity. Wow! I have never seen this movie before. Who would have ever dreamed that the circus had kept its tent up for an extended engagement? We have to keep Joy Behar's millions coming in on the most provocative channel on cable! We wouldn't want her to actually have to tell the truth that the public really wants to hear. We have to all pretend that we care so deeply about the Palinbrat Circus that we watch it every day just for its unlimited excitement. Blow it out your millionaire ass, Joy, I'm sick of being provoked. If you cannot give us real news that matters, we'll be glad to change the channel.

I pick on Joy Behar because she used to be one of the good people, like Whoreanna Fuckington, Gloria Borger, Jay Leno, Barbara Wa-wa, and Oprah. Jay owns many of the exact models of sports cars and motorcycles that I can only worship from afar, but after decades of watching him and listening to his humor, he has been permanently placed on my no watch, no listen list. Since the day he interviewed Sarah Palin without asking a single question relevant to any pertinent scope of reality, Jay has been off my television screen. I refuse to watch even a single minute of his show. The same goes for the others I named, and more such interviewers with terminal amnesia whose names, only for the sake of brevity, I have not listed here. In my household, if you, Mr. or Ms. Millionaire A-hole Interviewer, talks on TV with Sarah Palin without asking a single tough question of the consistently lying and obfuscating witch, you are no longer welcome on my TV screen, and I mean forever.

If only we could all make this choice, maybe we could encourage some of the corporate news media to pay attention. Don't bring up that Maddow and Olbermann nonsense, either. Since when has either of them told the truth about Babygate? Do you think they were somehow excused from the meetings with the boss? Anyone who feels the same way I do about these truths should personally boycott any and all of these talking heads immediately. Yes, I understand if you want to give M & O a pass on a total boycott, but you could at least throw a pillow at the screen every time one of them is presented with a golden opportunity to mention Babygate and doesn't. Even if you make these choices within your own homes, at least your nerves could settle down a bit. If there is no decent news on television at the time, just as it seems in my house more and more these days, you could at least read a book. There are a number of these out there that will tell you the truth about SP, even if none yet specifically tell you the tale of Babygate that you yearn so deeply to read.

Whether it is a deceased Ruffles, an acquired Trig, or a Tripp born in early 2008, Levi knows the truth that will stop her. If we did not think this fact was at least more than a little likely, he could do a striptease on the news and most of us would go, Eeewww! and change the channel. Well, the male viewers would, anyway. We could care less who is the next Mayor of Wasilla or the dancing partner of a has-been star. We are all weary of counting babies and examining baby faces, ears, and toes. How many more newscasters, interviewers, and talk show hosts can we tune out? We are running out of viable news channels on our remote controls. Just tell us where the bodies are buried, take the media payoff or book deal, and run like hell to a warmer climate, Levi.

When Few Were Paying Attention

The latest poll results are in and they are no surprise to me, although the poll itself, like the photo at left, is a mysterious illusion. We know this is not Sarah Palin in this picture, and we know now that SP did not give birth in early 2008. We also know that somebody did, but outside that obvious statement, a ball of confusion has reigned over America for the past two years. Just as Tina Fey has become a symbol of something most of us were not even aware existed until August 2008, we didn't know exactly where to look for the keys to the mystery until long after the perpetrators had intentionally scrambled the evidence. Everybody went back to Saturday Night Live to see Tina imitate an idiot two years after she had left the show. Now we are all closely examining a couple or three babies to try to discover their true birthdays after the fact.

The poll question itself was strangely worded: When were the Trigs born? The poll results were easily predictable: January (41), February (65), March (16), and April (7). These represent the supposed months in 2008 in which any baby playing the part of Trig might have actually been born. The strange part is that the month is not actually as pertinent as exactly which babies are we talking about? I set up this poll at a time when I was fairly certain that Ruffles was a Trig instead of a Tripp. Now that I think it is even more likely that Ruffles is a Tripp instead of a Trig, the plot implied by this poll either thickens considerably or simplifies, depending on your point of view. From the moment I created this poll, I expected the results to show the order exactly as they have, with February being the first choice of most of my readers, and January in second place. The bigger question is what Trig or Trigs, or even Tripp, was in the mind of each voter as she made her selection in the poll? Let's assume for the moment that most of the responders were thinking of Round Ear, some were thinking of Ruffles, some were considering both, and maybe a few were even adding Elfie into the mix, but few or none were considering Tripp.

We are going to take a little detour for a moment to a right-wing blog that discussed Governor Palin as McCain's VP pick in May and June 2008. This article at Wizbang clearly delineates that hopeful Alaskan Palin fans, and some from outside the state, were keenly aware that McCain might very well unleash the pitbull. Most of the commenters were thrilled with the idea. If you read through those comments, you will begin to better understand the title of this post. Yes, I know that most of them are laughable in their naivete about Palin's personality, accomplishments, and future issues, but the time frame of these comments should send a chill through your sane mind. If the witch's Alaskan Fan Club knew this much this early about McCain's plans, exactly how much and how early did Sarah Palin know? Needless to say, this article reminds me just how much I have been singing this tune for nearly two years: it was all a plot, people!

Now the next little detour I want you to take is to go to the Tripp slideshow in the sidebar. If you have already examined it, please take another look because I added a few more photos just before writing this post. There are purposely no captions or identifying dates listed in this slideshow, but the order of the pictures is important. I have positioned each of them in as chronological a manner as I can just by looking at Tripp and ignoring all the other information. Yes, there could be a few minor discrepancies within this order. I tried to group them by subject and size just to make the slideshow flow smoothly, but the point is to closely examine the age Tripp appears to be, while ignoring whatever preconceptions you might have about the time of the shooting or publication of any particular photographs. Open your mind and you might discover a few new avenues of thought.

The poll indicates clearly that most of us think whatever babies are involved in the Babygate mystery were born earlier in 2008 than has been publicly stated. As I am sure some of you have surmised, once you have opened your mind to the possibility that Ruffles is actually Tripp, and Tripp is approximately eight months older than publicly claimed, many Freudian slips from both The Johnstons and The Palins will fall a little more neatly into place. So do many baby pictures we have seen displayed during television interviews and in many other media sources. As with your opinion of Tina Fey, who once was just another funny SNL comedienne, you might find that your opinion of the mystery of Babygate has also shifted. What seemed so obvious two years ago looks like an illusion now, doesn't it?

Disposition

The poll numbers concerning the whereabouts of Ruffles show little agreement. In fact, they are all over the map. Both my wife and I voted for deceased, with institutionalized as our second choice. From the 260 votes cast, 73 were for Living with Someone Else, 55 for Living with His Real Mom, 54 Deceased, 29 Living with Another Relative, 23 Stashed at the Compound, 18 Institutionalized, 5 Living with Bristol, and 3 Disguised as DS Trig.

Beginning at the bottom, obviously few of the PB readers think that Ruffles has reappeared as another Trig, either Round ear or with elfin ears. I think the general consensus has been from the start that if there had been any ear surgery or molding done on Ruffles, it would have been to create the elfin ears. Few people really think that Ruffles could have possibly been turned into Round Ear, which is the leading issue that has propelled the Two Babies theory in the first place. Ruffles is one baby and Round Ear is a second baby, regardless of the existence or not of a third child who has played the part of Trig. The general hypothesis I get from this tiny poll number is that support for the ear modified, third Trig theory is waning; however, the psychologist in me is going to have a pertinent comment or two about this concept after the all the results have been detailed.

Five people suggested that Ruffles is now living with Bristol. Unless you are also hypothesizing that Tripp or another Trig is the same child as Ruffles, I do not see how this theory can hold. It is, indeed, a choice that had to be included in the poll for thoroughness, but there are several problems with it in this case. First of all, the only photos of Bristol pushing a twin stroller show Trig and Tripp at some time well after 12/27/08. There have been absolutely no reports or sightings of two babies present except for the obvious combination of Trig and Tripp. There has been every indication that Bristol took Tripp when she moved into the condo, and then she returned to the compound with Tripp, with no indication of a second baby being involved.

I was surprised that only eighteen chose Institutionalized. My best guess is that this assumes that Ruffles has FAS, and that is still a fairly firm part of my own theory. If Ruffles was simply a little weak or premature, but otherwise a normal baby, then this depressing future for Ruffles is a decreased likelihood. I suspect that at least a few of the poll voters may have avoided this choice simply because it is depressing, and they had rather hold higher hopes for Ruffles. I would suppose that if Ruffles does not have FAS, then he could probably be adopted out to a nice home.

Is Ruffles still very much alive and stashed at the compound? Has he remained a closely guarded secret all this time? I was quite surprised that 23 people selected this choice. Whenever I have broached the subject of his being hidden away as a deep, dark secret in the past, there seemed to be little agreement on this theory. Now I am not sure what to think of these latest results. Maybe more people are now leaning in that direction?

If Ruffles was sent to live with another relative, then 29 voters got it right. There are certainly at least a handful of such relatives to choose from, but I still vote against this choice. I am not sure why, but something just does not add up. There seems to have been no mention lately of contact between Bristol and these other relatives, for one thing, however, that might not mean much. Are those who selected this choice thinking of Sarah's sister Molly or Aunt Heather? What about the relative who lives in Seattle?

Fifty-four of us voted that the child is deceased. If this depressing scenario turns out to be the truth, I have three suggestions for the cause, in decreasing order of likelihood. The first of course is that the baby was born very weak and premature and simply died of whatever complications might have ensued. The second is that he died as a result of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. The third is that he smothered in the sling that Sarah may have carried him in to her office or elsewhere. The information about the sling recall was in the news many months ago, long before I began this blog. I took note of the issue at that time, but I have been hesitant to mention this possibility due to its possible unfairness, as well as its incendiary nature. Please note that I have listed this only as the least likely possibility. When I chose deceased in the poll, I was distinctly basing that choice on the first two listed causes, or possibly even a combination of the two. The third choice is always possible, but highly unlikely.

Fifty-five voters think Ruffles has already been placed back in the home of his real mother, whomever that might be. I assume from this that a large number of you still think Sarah might have borrowed a baby. If the only evidence we had of Ruffles was the kitchen photo shoot, then I could allow this theory more credibility, however, this is not the case. We know that Ruffles appeared in two different photo shoots that same weekend, and most likely took part in two additional, official governor's business events, too! No way in hell is any mother, even a devoted friend and Palinbot, going to lend out her premature newborn to be carried into and around Anchorage and passed off as the governor's baby! Who was reported as seen holding that newborn at one of these events? Piper. Give me a break, people. This whole borrowed baby nonsense is officially off my radar screen until proven otherwise.

Could Ruffles simply be living with someone else? More of you agree on this premise than any other, and I cannot say that this choice is far off the mark. Although this would be my third choice, 73 of you voted for it, and you could certainly be right. If there was not a problem adopting out Ruffles, then why not? This would be the humane, wonderful solution we would all like to see. Not only would Ruffles have new loving parents, he would be spared the psychosis of growing up Palin! The fly in the ointment here is why would Bristol allow him to be adopted out if he was a normal, healthy child? Yes, I would love to think this scenario is the the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but I am skeptical nonetheless. I certainly give this choice higher credence than most of the others. I have a problem with the baby being borrowed or kept hidden within the family in some manner, but if he was born and then simply adopted out, he would be out of the public eye forever. The story could end right there for Ruffles. He would grow up to be a normal kid known only for his unusual ears, not his crazy celebrity family.

The psychologist has a few closing comments. The relentless manner in which modern Americans seem to leap from one conclusion to another, depending on whatever is most recently displayed in a blog post, or even a comment to a blog post, has become rather appalling in its short-sighted and immediate level of gratification. Some other bloggers and commenters I know have aroused suspicions over the birth of another child on 4/18/08, and now the innertubes are buzzing with delight. The opinions are flying furiously as to whether or not this birth announcement has any relevance to Babygate. I am not making a judgment call on this issue in either direction at this point, but I am attempting to direct your energies into a more generalized direction. There was a time a few months ago when the concept of a third Trig was all the rage. When Tipp's birth date was announced, yet no one saw him until two months later, even I was referring to him as The Invisible Baby. We have to be careful of some of this theory hopping according to whatever happens to be in our faces at the moment. The only thing we all agree upon is that Sarah Palin is the most despicable politician in American history and we want her out of our faces, off the national political stage, off our television sets, away from our innertubes, and preferably wearing orange and residing in a small cell with a large African-American lesbian named Maybelle!

Trigarama

Just when I thought the dust had settled a bit on the multiple Trig theories, up pops a batch of photos I had not seen before! The photo at right is a cropped version of the very large shot Gryphen just posted yesterday. This is another one of the poses shot for the OK Magazine cover at the 5/4/08 baby shower. I was just about to post a few side by side cropped shots for a discussion of whether or not the April-May '08 Trigs are the same baby or not when annes_123 posted a link to a new Flickr photostream that I think explodes all over the page! It is always possible that I am lost in the ozone again, and these pictures have all been seen before and I have just missed them, but I don't think so. I have been in contact with the creator of this array: all the photos originated from Team Sarah. You can go to Flickr to examine these surprising photos within their complete array with an assortment of photos of Sarah without Trig or you can click the slide show in the sidebar to see only the large shots of Batwing Trig that I have selected for the relevance of this post.

For the sake of all my new readers here at PB, I can only hope that I am not jumping up and down like a little girl, making a fool of myself over what I am only assuming at this point is a new discovery. The thing that shocks me the most are the shots that seem to show the reprisal of Batwing Trig to a degree that I had heretofore never seen! The first ones you will see are labeled (#) 5 and playing with socks on book tour, and #2 is a very clear shot of the batwing ear. There are more surprises scattered throughout the subsequent pages of the photo array, although a lot of these shots are already very familiar to most of us. I am not going to jump to any further conclusions until I learn more about the origins of these unfamiliar pictures. At this point in time, I am quite simply flabbergasted at this stunning new evidence of the existence of Batwing Trig!